January 30, 2019 at 12:46PM by CWC
As my anxiety peaks in the evening and any hope for a peaceful rendezvous with Mr. Sandman starts to slip away, I’m often able to pinpoint cause. It’s a mix of looming due dates at work, my reading load for grad school, and existential fear. But the worst culprit by far is what Janet Kennedy, PhD, a sleep psychologist in New York City, refers to as “performance anxiety.” In other words: I have so much FOMO when it comes to getting enough sleep that I just can’t drift off.
“The more we focus on trying to sleep and trying to sleep right, the more elusive sleep can become,” Dr. Kennedy tells me. “We can control some aspects of sleep—like our lifestyle, health, schedule, and activities—but the falling asleep [itself] is outside of our control.” Sata-driven sleep apps, like calculators and REM-trackers, often feed into the problem. Our perfectionist tendencies kick in, and when we can’t “achieve” the night of blissful rest that we so desire, it’s frustrating and it keeps us wide awake.
“The more we focus on trying to sleep and trying to sleep right, the more elusive sleep can become.”
Chris Winter, MD, a sleep specialist in Virginia, says that the cultural narrative around what happens when you fall short on zzz’s can often be more harmful than helpful. Studies have shown that skimping on slumber can make you angrier and cause you to dream less—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. When we approach a loss of sleep the same way Coach Carr approaches sex in Mean Girls (i.e., Don’t lose sleep because you will get cranky/unproductive/sad and you will die!), we don’t do ourselves any favors. “Sleep problems often work best in a climate of fear. You think: ‘I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t fall back asleep right now,’ and then you can’t fall asleep,” says Dr. Winter.
But how do you relinquish your need to control every sleeping moment? After all, Google search results for “tired” have steadily increased since 2004, suggesting that we’re all pretty interested in a good night’s sleep.
Both experts I spoke with agree that it’s all about handing over the reigns to your body. That seven-to-eight hour window is based off averages collected in public surveys, Dr. Winter explains. Your nightly amount of sleep might be closer to six—or nine.
“The best way to [find out how much sleep you need] is to get up at the same time each day (including weekends) and stay up at night until you are very sleepy,” Dr. Winter says. “Over time, the body will settle into a rhythm and it will tell you when you should go to sleep. You’ll notice that you get sleepy and wake up at roughly the same time every day.” By setting a time to wake up rather than a time to fall asleep, you’re giving yourself the night off (literally) from the pure torture that comes with staying up past your “bedtime.”
“Over time, the body will settle into a rhythm and it will tell you when you should go to sleep.”
Once you and your sleep cycle find a new rhythm, you’ll be able to focus on the number of other variables over which you have real control. Ditch that afternoon cup of coffee, leave your screen outside of the bedroom, or schedule time to worry during the day so your inner dialogue isn’t running laps at night. If despite all your efforts, you fail to fall asleep when you want to, Dr. Winter says it’s no big deal—so long as you take that time to relax.
“Think: I’m either going to sleep great tonight or I’m going to wake up at 2 o’clock and never go back to sleep, but that’s fine. It’s going to be okay,” he says. When you’re cozied up under your blankets is the time to focus on your breath, queue up some “slow lit,” and just enjoy relaxing.
“Control is not, ‘I have to sleep or bad things are going to happen.’ It’s, ‘I’m going to set myself up to sleep right. If I can’t, that’s fine. I’ll just let myself relax and sit here until the sleep comes,’” says Dr. Winter. But of course, should you experience more advanced sleep disorders or chronic insomnia, book an appointment with your doctor.
I’ll leave you with this, friends: Approaching bedtime with a healthy serving of JOMO might just help you reach the joy of PTFO.
When you wake up, take some morning routine tips from Jennifer Aniston and Ellie Goulding.
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Author Kells McPhillips | Well and Good
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