It’s time we all learned how to apologize like adults

“There’s no ‘but’ after ‘I’m sorry.’”

I think often of my mom’s favorite axiom throughout my childhood. By this, she meant that atonement should never come with an excuse tacked on the end. My sister and I rolled our eyes each time she recited her mantra, but eventually we learned to say our sorries in three syllables. Mom wasn’t wrong. According to psychologist Nancy Irwin, PsyD, a member of the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, that’s how to apologize like an adult.

Dr. Irwin tells me that the only thing that should come after “I’m sorry” is a concise account of your wrongdoings. (Yeah, that’s the hard part.) “Use the person’s name and state simply, clearly, and exactly what you are apologizing for,” she says. “Do not assume they know; there may be multiple facets and parties involved. Be clear.” Every good repentance has one thing in common, the psychologist says. It takes full responsibility for whatever you’ve done wrong, without (as my mom said) making excuses.

The website of the Association for Psychological Science says that two major studies have demonstrated that not all apologies are created equal. When researchers at Ohio State University and Eastern Kentucky University analyzed the research, they found that the most effective admissions hit on six elements:

1. Expression of regret
2. Explanation of what went wrong
3. Acknowledgement of responsibility
4. Declaration of repentance
5. Offer of repair
6. Request for forgiveness

Here’s a script from Dr. Irwin that hits all six steps:

“[Name], I want to apologize for the hurt that I caused you last week. I take full responsibility for the words I said/[X] that I did, and I was wrong. I hope in time you can forgive me, but for now I hope that you will accept my apology. Thank you for listening to me.”

Once you’ve cleared that air (and hugs have been exchanged, and hopefully you’re both crying with relief), Dr. Irwin adds that you don’t need to repeat how sorry you are over and over again. It’s best to keep your declaration succinct so that the relationship can move forward. “It takes a lot of integrity and courage to be ‘clean’ in your relationships, whether professional or personal or intimate,” she says. “Apologizing sincerely when you are in the wrong can actually strengthen a relationship. People feel it makes them look weaker, but the opposite it true.” As always, remember that vulnerability is a strength.

If a friend won’t accept your apology, here’s how to forgive yourself.