Rom-coms are wrong: Playing hard to get isn’t nearly as effective as *being* hard to get

When the boy I, um, “loved” in 8th grade texted me for the first time, I waited a cool 23 minutes and 45 seconds before flipping open my hot pink Motorola Razr and responding with a coy yet cute: “Hi, who’s this?” As a nascent teenager, I took Lady Gaga at her word when she called love “a game,” but years later, I’m weary, worn out, and so GD over making it seem like I’m low-key “kind of” into someone when really, the very idea of them makes me emotionally masturbate. So here’s my question: Should we toss the “playing hard to get” trope as we would a pilling pair of old leggings?

Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid, co-hosts of Betches’ U Up? podcast tell me that, if ever there were a time to play chicken with the subject of your affection, now just isn’t it. “We are the tapas generation,” says Freid (who, as it will quickly become clear, is a stand-up comedian). “We want small plates because we don’t want to commit to anything.”

When you lock away parts of yourself from others for the sake of keeping “an air of mystery,” you place hurdles in front of your new boo, which might prompt them to turn away from you (the patatas bravas, obviously) to someone else (who’s say, the croquetas). “If you’re trying to meet someone on a dating app, you can’t just go on and expect someone else to pull the whole conversation, to chase you. They don’t really know you yet,” adds Abraham (and given that she started her own dating app, she should know).

“We are the tapas generation. We want small plates because we don’t want to commit to anything.” — Jared Freid, New York City-based comedian and co-host of U Up? 

For the record, I hate tapas—of the literal and figurative variety. (They’re so small! Yet so expensive! I have to share them!) And, as Abraham points out, offering people only a bite-size piece of yourself—and a calculated one at that—ultimately isn’t, well, satiating. What’s much more interesting for you and them is simply living your life and fitting them into it when you have the time. “I don’t think it’s a matter of playing hard to get—it’s a matter of having a full life. That’s an attractive thing,” says Abraham. In other words, being—not playing—hard to get is really what people look for these days. The vibe comes across as confidence and independence. Plus, as the two podcast hosts agree, it’s hot.

I nod along on the phone as Abraham and Freid shower me in their sage advice, yet I still find myself planting land mines for my current, er, boyfriend (???) in the days following. So, I sought professional help to answer why we love to chase and be chased. “The concept that something that’s a scarcity becomes more desirable is true in many realms—whatever the commodity is,” psychiatrist Gail Saltz, MD, tells me. “Whenever there’s concern that there’s not enough of it, people respond with I want it more, even though ‘it’ has changed.”

In relationships, we feel pulled to buy into this “scarcity principal” because—here’s the kicker—we want someone to go the extra mile to court us. “Everyone wants to be desired. The more they’re desired, the better it is for their ego,” says Dr. Saltz. But the very source of this yearning should raise a red flag since ego-based appetites don’t ultimately serve us—or anyone in our immediate radius. “Game playing in general is, by definition, a fabrication. There’s an inherent dishonesty in it, and it’s not good for pre-relationships, a beginning relationship, or any relationship,” she adds.

But Dr. Saltz agrees with Freid and Abraham in that having your own interests outside of dating isn’t the same as “being” or “playing” hard to get; it’s more so just going about your business as a fully realized individual. “You need a 360 life,” she says. “Putting all your eggs in the basket of this one person probably isn’t a great idea for a million reasons. Hopefully, there are other things that matter to you, that you’re enriched from—that make you, frankly, an interesting partner for someone else.”

“You can have a lot of investment in your work, in your friends, in your personal health and well-being. But if you really like someone, you’re still going to emotionally invest in them.” — Gail Saltz, MD

The through line of all this advice? Manipulation. isn’t. sexy. Despite what every romantic comedy propagates (10 Things I Hate About You, The Ugly Truth, 50 First Dates, Sixteen Candles—need I go on?), most of us are in the market for love with eyes open and full awareness. And if we’re not, well, a hookup is really just a right swipe away.  On rare occasions, playing hard to get can work (studies have confirmed it). But do you really want your romance to start that way?

Rather than subscribing to the limbo-esque dating framework of “Should I text them first?”, “Should I say I love you first?”, or “Should I pretend I have plans on Friday?”, Freid recommends thinking of yourself as the CEO of your dating life, or, as Abraham puts it, having your own standards that are high. And that, she adds, means, “dating because you want a specific kind of person with a specific type of standard.” Thinking like a boss will ensure your actions aren’t motivated by making every attempt to keep your new boo around. Instead, you’re just doing you—and continually choosing (or not choosing) to evolve as a couple together.

“You can have a lot of investment in your work, in your friends, in your personal health and well-being. But if you really like someone, you’re still going to emotionally invest in them,” says Dr. Saltz. In other words, you’re not a tapa. You’re an ambitious, interesting, and, yes, flawed person. Don’t offer your dating pool just a taste of your complex profile.

Here’s what experts say about sex on the first date, and if you’ve been together for a while, here’s how to make your quality time exciting again.