December 21, 2019 at 04:00PM by CWC
Have you ever set a goal that you’re unable to reach, regardless of how hard you try? Or, perhaps you do achieve it, but something adjacent to the goal gets messed up, which, in turn, compromises all of your progress? That’s self-sabotage rearing its ugly head. Judy Ho, PhD, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, author of Stop Self Sabotage, and co-host of The Doctors, defines self-sabotage as “thoughts and/or behaviors that undermine our best interests and conscious intentions.”
Self-sabotage can show up in many different ways and spill into all areas of life, including relationships, career, health, and even finances. Maybe you stayed up all night binge-watching Friends (again), and now you’re stressed out about missing a work deadline you’re too tired to meet. No matter the specifics of the scenario, though, self-sabotage can hold us back from achieving our goals, feeling our best, and living the life we want to be living.
Ready to recognize signs of self-sabotage in practice so you can put a stop to it once and for all? Below, get expert tips so you can live a life free of self-sabotage.
Signs you’re self-sabotaging
To be clear, self-sabotage looks different for everyone, says transformational life coach, mindfulness expert, and host of The Soulpreneur Show podcast Jenay Rose. While the existence of the habit does depend on the subconscious stories and beliefs people tell themselves, she does share common signs of self-sabotage we can all look for:
- The same pattern arises multiple times, meaning you keep making the same mistake.
- You desperately want to make a change in your life, but you feel like you can’t, so you don’t even bother trying.
- You have recurring bad-feeling thoughts that stop you from taking action toward what you want.
Reasons people self-sabotage
To be clear, no one does it on purpose. Rather, Rose says, it’s often rooted in patterned behaviors that can lead to a vicious, never-ending cycle. “When something becomes a pattern, whether it’s a thought or an action, it’s like being stuck on a hamster wheel,” she says. “You might be sick of running in circles, but getting off seems next to impossible.”
Dr. Ho adds that there are four main elements that perpetuate the self-sabotage cycle: low self-esteem, internalized beliefs from childhood, fear of change or of the unknown, and excessive need for control. “You can think of them like an operating system that runs in the background and drives your beliefs and behavior,” she says. “We typically acquire these elements when we are younger, and because they are with us over time, they tend to be outside our awareness. It is very helpful to focus on them so you can more easily see how they inform your decisions, your ideas about yourself, how you behave, how you feel in certain circumstances, and particularly how they can be a driver of self-sabotage.”
3 strategies for stopping self-sabotage
1. Observe your thoughts
The first step toward stopping self-sabotage is awareness of your thoughts throughout your day. “You will find that these thoughts have themes, like catastrophizing an outcome, black-and-white thinking, or that you have a lot of rules for yourself to the point where no one could ever meet those expectations all of the time,” Dr. Ho says. Rose adds that you’ll be able to decipher which thoughts are self-sabotaging by how they make you feel. If they make you feel badly, for example, that’s a clear indication of a limiting thought.
2. Challenge the thoughts that make you feel badly
Once you’ve pinpointed the thoughts that are holding you back, challenge them. For example, if you find yourself thinking “I’m such an idiot” multiple times a day, ask yourself, “Where is this thought coming from? Why does it keep coming up?”
“Thoughts are not reality, but they feel that way,” Dr. Ho says. “So, start taking your thoughts with a grain of [salt] and try to consider alternate explanations. Or, at the very least, deemphasize the impact your thoughts have on your emotions and behaviors.”
3. Replace the self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors
In order to overcome self-sabotage, you must interrupt the thought or behavioral pattern and replace it. “When a bad-feeling thought comes in, ask yourself, ‘does this thought feel good? Do I want to keep this thought?’” Rose says. “If the answer is no, then you must choose to release that thought and replace it with a new thought that is supportive and empowering. You can do this on a piece of paper if it helps you to physically see the process.”
The same goes for your self-sabotaging behaviors: Analyze what you usually do in a certain situation and then choose a replacement behavior to propel you toward your goal. This process of replacing your go-to self-sabotaging thoughts and behavior is, of course, no easy feat and not a change that happens overnight. That’s why practice and repetition are important in order to establish this new way of being. “Be sure to implement this every day, and you will see a huge change in your mental quality,” Rose says.
Other tricky, deep-seated issues you could use some help overcoming? Your fears of public speaking and abandonment.
Author Jessica Estrada | Well and Good
Selected by CWC